ithinkyoureswell.com: the blog.

when i was a teensy lil freshie n could still fit into my LEI jeans from when i was 13 even if you could obvs see my pantyline and/or maxi this jolly lil overweight plumpy lived in my dorm idk the room # sry but she was always posted up in the lobby nxt to a guard who sang songs from his ambig homeland w/ a bright yellow tall T (girl got played for the XXL) that said “ib on it all night/ib on it all day” then some stupid ish bout her high school ib program like it was almost funny if it wasnt the kinda T that ur friends all sign and that one pervy dude put hand prints on ur ass spot as if he was the CEO of mudd jeans corp and/or even knew where ur ass was in relation to your cooch

*this is maybe the only action i got in all yrs of skewl but usually happened when the shirt was not on my boyish bod (boyish in a straight up ugly hanson bro way — SRY ISAAC AT LEAST YOU HAVE FOUND LOVE OR AT LEAST PROCREATED– not like a hot “now n then-itapemybreastsdown” kind of way esp bc if i tried to tape my breasts down it would just be tape over my nips and i need those to prove that i am human ykno also i only ever have scotch tape and i have some morals okay)

 

neway that is how i feel about a hot new drug that just hit the streets (ish)

 

i am ty ty all the time and idk if its bc i still have mono or something or because im gaining lbz like a preggo and my bones crumble like dem bonez when they try to drag my dead weight around mcdonalds only to find out they won’t serve me at the drive thru bc i am not privileged enough to drive a car ooooor what else it might be not sure not sure but i am also a youngass spinster so obv the #1 drug 4me would be something that 

a.wakes me up

b. makes me want to hook up w/ any willing peeps (viz my drunk cousin or a high school chica who wants to “experiment” with an androgy piglet)

 

so when i wanna buy drugs i don’t have to call up some mofo who doesn’t get my call/txts/DMs because his pink floyd is too loud and he is tryin to sync it w/ the wizard of oz but he rented the wiz by mistake because he has no need for knowledge of the human world, i can just cruiiise on down to the nearest 711 which i was prob already going to anyway bc most of the time i can pee in their bathrooms in peace and/or stand in front of the donut case and then i can pick up a nice lil bottle of STP aka STAMINA TO PERFORM

 

perform what you might ask the man working at 711 and he would prob say how would i know i dont own this company and you would say well you own the store and he would say no so it would be a stupid convo and i think you have the internet anyway so you could look it up or u can keep readin

 

perform SEX THINGS… okay okay i know this is awk bc like u think of me as strictly a “friend” but like friends can chat about sex w/o it gettin weird i’m not yr mom or anything- what kind of sex things???? ANY SEX THINGS U CAN THINK OF U LIL DEVIL

obviously there is some *~black magik~* behind this and they musta pulled some reeeeal magik strings to get it on the shelves maybe they used that goo from harry potter u stupid 12 yr old nerd anyway i don’t know i wasnt there but for the rest of this lil tale u will think of STP AS *~SEX POTION~* or SP for short so it doesn’t sound so much like STD and you can just pull ur cape over yr face and say “excuse me do you have a minute for sex potion rights and also for the environment” or “hey i’m packin some sex potion” to many a passerby outsidea CVS or pigglywiggly and not “hey i’m packin some stps” and ppl think ur packin herpes or something like that and they won’t go back to stonehenge w/ u to get real fucked up on potions and celebrate the *~solstice~*

 

the 1st time i tried IT i was w/ @mankinz and our lil fwend annee nelson (did u g(o)(o)gle her?!) n we all split one and pinky swore we wouldnt h/u with anyone and when we went to the counter the dude who is our soft-spoken sort of ambig friend like didn’t say anything n annee was all like “WOW KRIS TRYIN TO GET LAID” like it is all some sort of fuckin joke and he looked at me from beneath his glasses that make him look like an evil (yet wise n gentle) owl (indie grls luv owls ~hit me up indie grls~) and was like “tell me if it works” AND GD DOES MY HEART MELT INTO PLASMA WHEN HE SPEAKS and i was like “uh oh i mean i’m not well heh heh you know i’m just heh heh” which is like exactly what ur friends dad does when you wake up from a sleepover n hes like looking at you from the lazy boy next to your head and looking at you and hes not wearing a shirt but is eating an eggo or a poptart… so i guess he felt like you do when ur friends dad does that and just started reading the ingredients out loud… “oh it’s an energy drink w/ steroids” he said and after that we got the hell out of that LAME PLACE and stood in an abc parkin lot and took sips then played soccer with the bottle because it was so hot n tropical we thought we were in brazil but TURNS OUT it just MAKES YOU HOT and like actual body temp…it just goes through the roof and you sweat like nobody’s business so why don’t you mind your own business n stop peepin my pit stains go back to listening to passion pit i’m tired

 

but i’m NOT TIRED because sex potions make you:

SWEATY, HYPER, JITTERY,SORT OF IRRITABLE BUT IN A WAY THAT IS FUN

 

how much??? how much for all this??? you ask! WELL about 3.49. *ATTN PHILLY PEEPS* it is mad hard to find here probs bc of all those quakers or like idk what… go to that 711 on washington, they are there but THEY WON’T LET YOU USE THE BATHROOM SO MAKE SURE YOU ARE DEHYDRATED (this will prob amplify the effects no doubt no doubt).**YOU WILL NOT FIND THIS SHIT AT THE ONE ON 38TH OR LIKE WALNUT YOU JUST WON’T IT IS A DRUG DRUGS HAVE TO KEEP A LOW PROFILE SO THAT THEY CAN LIVE PEACEFUL LIVES JUST LIKE “US”**

so maybe you are thinkin “but i want to have sex” uhh okay so i wanna do a lot of things like not have bedbugs and i’ll do whatever the hell i want thanks and no my shorts aren’t in dress code but it’s not like you can see my labia? so if i can’t see your labia right now do w/e the hell you want no one is judgin you but GOD and/or Y*HWEH and/or THE PRODUCERS OF THE TRUMAN SHOW WHILE YOU ARE SIPPIN ON YR FIJI WATER

YOU WILL SWEAT YOU WILL HAVE FUN THE COME DOWN IS TERRIBLE BUT NO WORSE THAN HYDROXYCUT YOU WILL FALL IN AND OUT OF LOVE AND YOU WILL UNLOCK THE SECRETS OF *MAGIK*

if you have any ?? don’t hesitate 2write y’all know im *~lonely~*

 

xo krissyk